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The second thing that was harder to face was my emotional reactions to my condition. The emotions were hate and resentment. I despised being different. I hated to have to take medications. I couldn't understand why I was not born as a sinewy, handsome action hero admired by women and respected by men. I hated this whole situation and blamed God. I had a deep resentment for this and for whomever was responsible for it. I resented my father whom I felt did not do such a great job fathering me, and I resented God, who was ultimately responsible. One of the reasons I kept these emotions locked up was because I thought that it was wrong to be resentful of my own father and God. Another reason was that it was extremely painful to admit those things, to see myself for what I truly was.
But I did. With the help of an unseen hand, I opened that box, spread everything out and inspected it in detail. I cried. Tears dripped across my cheeks and onto my pillow. I wept tears that held within it the essence of my pain and resentment. And with it dropped away the angst that had knotted my insides and had blocked the realization of my inner feelings. And as my hate and resentment vanished, love for my biological father and my Creator returned. I, then, began to love myself for who I was. I realized that the many positive qualities that I have, qualities that made me a unique manifestation of God, was made possible in me only by the experiences of being who I am. If I loved the positive qualities within me, I had to accept the unusual circumstances that resulted in those qualities, circumstances that I did not like at that time but was instrumental in forming the inner core of my spiritual awareness, my soul. I had to take the good with the bad, it was two sides of the same coin. The compassion and empathy I have for others, my knowledge and ability in regards to maintaining health, my spiritual insights, my love and appreciation for life, my creativity, my energy in striving for perfection, my devotion to supreme values and more, they were all a result of my challenges, and I wouldn't trade in those qualities for anything.
Kids want to become superheroes, but in real life, superheroes do not exist. Or do they? Actually, I realized, there are many superheroes from the spiritual standpoint. Those people who secretly do good, saving lives and helping those in need without attracting attention to themselves, keeping a "secret identity". They are all around us, and sometimes we read about what they have accomplished, while their names are unknown. Or some of them may be well known. It doesn't matter. They are the upholders of justice. The champions of goodness over the menace of evil. They are the superheroes. And to be like them you don't have to be physically imposing and have superpowers, but you do need spiritual insight, stamina and the super powers of the soul. Could I be such a superhero? A spiritual superhero? Is that God's plan for me? Then I realized that we can all be superheroes if we just tap into those divine powers within. By realizing the actuality of our divine origin and sourcing the power from which we have sprung, we can actualize ourselves as unique manifestations of the divine. Each of us, with our own diverse experiences and backgrounds have something that is truly original and unique, these are the origins of our "superpowers." The biggest superpower is the ability to transform the negative into the positive, the act of returning good for evil. By empowering this unique ability from within, we become spiritual superheroes.
These realizations happen because even though the mind is afraid to look at the deep seated animal emotions and fear that are repressed, it is encouraged by the leadings from the small, still voice, enabling it to bravely venture into awareness of those darkened thoughts. This awareness then became part of my soul and invigorated my soul. My soul was no longer shrouded in darkness and it was free to realize its true potential. And ever since then, I am able to share every part of me, unreservedly, with God. And by regularly revealing my inner self intimately, to myself and to God, I am in turn able to partake of God's revelations to me, to feel his presence daily. And this also enables me to reveal my soul to others dynamically, revealing truth, beauty and goodness.
Practicing self-awareness is an ongoing endeavor. Being self-aware is not the same as self-analysis. Self-analysis is poking around trying to fix a perceived problem within oneself, self-awareness is just seeing the true reality of oneself. Self-analysis can result in having too much focus on the self, which could make one moody and too self-conscious, while self-awareness merely acknowledges one's true attributes without self-judgment.
While there was only one box within me that was under the lock and key of fear, there were other parts of me that I looked at unflinchingly in order to become more self-aware. I took a close look at my bad habits, my good habits, my energy, my laziness, my sexuality, my reason for hating certain things, my reason for loving certain things, my plans for the future, my childhood assumptions and more. Although these issues were not under a dark shroud, some of them were still things that I was not totally comfortable looking at in my youth. But as I grew more mature, and as I got more in touch with my spirit, I began to be able to inspect them without fear. Truly, through self-awareness, a rock hard foundation was laid for my soul.
A person who is close minded and intransigent may be that way because their soul is not well founded on self-awareness. They do not have a firm basis from which to steadily evolve. Many people hesitate to look at all aspects of themselves with candor, especially those who may have desires, habits and tendencies that are not accepted by mainstream society. But having associated with people from all walks of life, in various conditions, ages, cultures and backgrounds, I have noticed that often it is not things that are frowned upon by society that festers, it is their childhood insecurities, such as jealousies, envies and unfulfilled hopes that people hate to look at. These early childhood insecurities are the hardest to get in touch with because they
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